Struggling towards ecstasy

I'm sure life in all its fullness isn't sitting on my arse.

I'm thinking about difficulty, I mean, I never want to do anything difficult.
Taking initiative is only something I want to do if its for my good or someone else's without causing much pain or difficulty.

To go into difficulty is to find fulfillment,

We're cocooned by a world which tells us that the next thing we buy will give us life in all its fullness, we think we get advertising and yet the big lie is that the most media-savvy of us are still sucked in.

I think I've made my actions too easy and my faith to complex.

I watch my 18months old son and see him challenge himself daily, no good reason to, he's just growing. How much am I stagnating?

Church feels like its about stagnating, about the status quo, learn more head knowledge, read this book, listen to this sermoniser. I mean when did a church leader say lets all do this difficult thing together, oh and by the way I've already been doing it for a year, maybe its time i was the change I'm moaning about. or some such cliché.

Life to full, thats what i have thats what i offer.
I'm guessing finding a church with the best band and coolest leader isn't the fullness. It's the easiness.

I'm struggling with people who talk behind my back, with others defensiveness, I need to forgive and I need to instill loyalty, not a loyalty that means that I as leader am never questioned but that creative discussion and disagreement happens without anyone feeling they have a right to show off about having put me down.
Loyalty thats about the destruction of ego and self-will, but i guess thats a journey of pain into life in all its fullness, but then you know all about that don't you.

I need to go first, where you led.
Give me grace.