Frustration (with me)

Ok, so I'm up at 5.30, Dan awake, his little cousins woken up by him waking and now I'm supervising/sleeping/blogging/being blasted by Jesus you're my superhero.

Deep joy.

Holidays for me are the times when I wander, routine goes, family routine, God routine, the time when I have most time means that I get least done and God kinda gets put to the background.

I'm struggling with the concept that I need a pattern to relationship with God. I mean I want it to be out of love, relationship rather than routine. Within a marriage it takes both I guess, scheduled time, fixed points and spontaneous eruptions of intimacy, fun, relationship.
I constantly worry if I'm giving God the fag-ends, If I'm more honest maybe everyone gets the fag-ends, there's a self-centered-ness that still pervades me. My head space, my time, the personal me-ness never gets invaded, given over to anyone else except in occasional moments of total intimacy. There's the high points, the times in worship, the moments of soaking, prayer, study etc whether alone or in a crowd, but the general day-to-day, it's still mine and jealously guarded.

I'm often aware when i preach that some of the comments I come out with are aimed at me. Its like Balaam's ass or something. I was trying to get across on that God is always better (more good) than we think he is. I gave a list of things he wanted for us, all good and finished with the point that he wants to bring the best out of us/achieve things with us, there was an audible groan. I love speaking to a small intimate crowd!
It was obvious that the point of God's goodness hadn't got across, or that we're seriously lazy! I guess i think the same way, the idea that God want to achieve great things with and through me can leave me groaning, the whole getting off my backside into things that are difficult but good isn't really appealing.
It's the old Aslan thing of him not being a safe lion. We're all aware that if we let God have full access to all areas that safety goes out of the window, not physical safety, but internal freedom/selfishness. My internal space, the core that I'm still clinging onto.

It's got to start from a depth of conviction of God's love. Then that journey begins, steps of allowing him in and building upon the trust that is born. I guess my frustration is born of stagnation. meeting the same issue repeatedly. We all have issues and blindspots and I guess as I get older and re-hit the same things a few times one of two things happen:
1. I accept these areas and blockages/callouses form. I don't doubt God's goodness out loud, but in practice, i stop and become entrenched, certain things are beyond me and then the enemy gets a platform to tell me I'm failing/fearing etc...
2. The build up of revisiting these areas produces a momentum, an anger, a frustration that leads to change. An eruption, like a volcano creates new life. A step further into full life.

Ok so this is the circle again (life shapes).

Letting God into my inner land, is my promised land.
It's the choice of the desert with manna and quail or the battle of a land of milk and honey where I need to trust in God to work with me in taking it.
I'm stating a lot obviousness today, but its helping me and that's the point of this blog.
More of my selfishness on display!